Sir Pentious gets crushed
by HELLFIRE7777
Summary: When Lucifer breaks up with Lilith she moves into the hotel with Charlie. Meanwhile Sir Pentious tries to infiltrate the Hotel by pretending to be a certain other snake who has an affinity with boxes. Will these two find the love they deserve? Or will Sir Pentious get crushed once again. Read to find out. This story is cowritten with by the lovely 'Dinobot King' on Fanfiction


Lilith stood in front of the hotel looking up at the collective mess that made up the structure of the building. Her little angel wouldn't let her down. She knew she could ask anything of Charlie. Even if it was a place to stay.

Reluctantly she knocked on the door. Charlie opened up with her standard greeting. "Welcome to the happy hote... Mom?" She blinked slowly. "Hello Charlotte dear. Would.. would you mind if I stayed here.. for an indefinite amount of time?" Lilith had clearly been crying. Her mascara ran over her cheeks creating ugly black streaks over her perfect porcelain skin.

"Oh Mama of course!" Charlie hugged her mother quickly and pulled her inside. "What happened. Who hurt you so?" She asked curiously as she set Lilith down on the couch. Charlie beckoned to Husk to pour her mother a drink. "Your father. He... he thinks we should stop seeing eachother. We've been seeing eachother since the beginning of time! And he just ends it! Just like that?!" Lilith wailed. She snatched the bottle of vodka out of Husk's hand and emptied it in under five seconds. Husk blinked in surprise. Nobody outdrank him like that. Next time. He promised himself they would have to see who was the better drinker.

"Let me take you to a room?" Charlie gently pulled her mother up and led her to the elevator. Lucifer was already on thin ice with Charlie. Now if Charlie were to see her father's face, she would deck him. As hard as she could. Right in his baby makers. She didnt want a sibling anyways.

Lilith flopped face first on the bed and somehow managed to produce a bottle of whine from nowhere. She beckoned Charlie to sit next to her while she wailed about her problems.

Charlie's smile didn't waver for a second as she listened to her mother go on and on about Lucifer and how the two of them met. About the great times they had. Charlie decided her mother needed a distraction. Or maybe just something to cheer her up.

When Lilith Finally passed out Charlie went looking for a present online. Perhaps her mother would like a new dress. It was a safe gift. Something that wouldn't immediately tie in to Lucifer and wouldn't make her even sadder.

A day later, in another location. Sir Pentious steamed in anger as he glared at the leftovers of his destroyed blimp. His body screamed for revenge. That radio demon would get what was coming to him. Sir Pentious would make sure of it. The snake made his way over to the hotel. From a distance he spied on the entrance. Slowly a plan started to form in his mind.

"Oh Yess! I know. I'll blow them all to bits!" He gathered a bunch of bombs. Now... "how do I get in?" Sir Pentious mumbled softly and looked for an open window.

At that moment the FatEx showed up. Hell's mail system. They threw a large box in front of the Hotel's doors. "Aaah. Yesss perfect. Another brilliant idea by the Sir Pentious." The snake demon mumbled softly as he slithered upto the large box. He opened it gently. Making it look like it was ripped by the throw. Then he crawled inside the box. His bag with explosives underneath him. He closed the lit and waited silently. It wasn't long before he got picked up by someone and brought inside.

Vaggie heard the package arrive. She looked up from her phone and yelled at the ceiling. "Charlie your package is here!!"

"Thank you Vaggie!" Charlie rushed down the stairs quickly. She did not have the patience for the stupidly slow elevator. She excitedly opened the door and brought the package inside. "Fuck this is heavy." Charlie mumbled to herself. Looking at thee stairs she decided that she did have enough patience for the elevator after all.

She dragged the present inside and pushed the button to her mother's floor. Tapping her foot impatiently she examined the box. "Damn... it got ripped. " Charlie muttered. Getting out of the elevator she pulled the box in front of Lilith's room. She quickly rushed into her own room to find some colourful tape. Which she used to seal up the tears.

With a deep breath she steadied herself. After knocking on her mother's door she opened it carefully. "Mom?" She asked gently.

Lilith had a pair of headphones on and was writing poetry like a hard broken teenager. "He left me with that Samael in order to make monstrous children that died before I got the chance to be a mother and a wife. Now I have no husband! I have no one!" She cried out.

"Ohh mama. Please stop. You're not alone. " Charlie tried to comfort her. " why did dad leave anyways?"

Lilith went silent for a few seconds. Alastor had stolen her husband from her. She couldn't just say that however. Lilith knew Alastor was a great asset to the hotel. She didn't want to ruin Charlie's chances by having her daughter kick the radio demon out. Looking at her little angel's beautiful face she realised she had to keep it a secret.

"It... is complicated." Lilith looked away.

A small rustle from the box drew Lilith's attention to it. "Aww baby you got me a present?" She cooed.

The box suddenly spoke. "Ok now for the kill" Sir Pentious ripped open the box and jumped out. The girls were surprised to see Pentious emerge from the present. He surveyed his surroundings, oblivious to who was behind him. "Now time to plant the bombs, and take over this joke of an establishment... I can't even imagine how that irresponsible princess even thought of such a stupid idea." He mumbled to himself.

Charlie looked hurt. She played with the hem of her shirt shyly. Her idea wasn't that stupid was it?

Lilith kicked the snake in the face. Before smashing him to the floor. She locked her arms around the snake's thin neck. "Nobody insults my angel like that!" She screamed while squeezing the life out of him.

"Mom! Relax! I'm fine." Charlie stopped her from breaking the snake in half like a twig.

Lilith huffed softly and released the poor snake. Pentious groaned. "Oww... and I thought Alastor was bad." He whined. He slowly managed to get up.

Sir Pentious looked up at Lilith and stared when he realised just who he was staring at. "Queen Lilith!" He squeaked excitedly. "I'm your biggest fan!" He gently grabbed her hand and kissed the back of it.

Lilith pulled a grossed out face. She quickly held her hands to her chest. "I don't even know who you are." She growled softly.

"Oh! Let me introduce myself. I am Sir Pentious. Kingpin of the pentagram." The snake demon puffed out his chest as he spoke.

Lilith huffed as she stared at him with half lidded disinterested eyes. "Right... Charlie? The Noodle is speaking." She turned to her daughter.

Charlie stifled a giggle. "What are you doing here Pentious?" She asked curiously.

"Didn't he say something about planting bombs?" Lilith raised an eyebrow.

Sir Pentious started to sweat slightly. He needed to make a good impression. The queen was one of the most influential demons in the pentagram. Besides Lucifer that is. Not to mention Lilith's beautiful hair. Her curves. Pentious drooled slightly. He snapped out of it quickly. He needed to focus. "Ah. No I wasn't going to do that." He shoved the bombs under the dresser with the tip of his tail.

Lilith looked amused now. "Well." She snapped a leash on him. "You might not have been the present I deserved. But I am in need of a new pet."

"Pet?! Do I look like an animal to you?!" Pentious shouted, his ego took quite the hit. But... at least Lilith wanted to keep him.

"You're literally a snake?" Charlie gestured to all of Sir Pentious.

"Well you're a dog!" He countered. Lilith tightened her grip on his leash. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't skin you alive?" She smiled dangerously as she narrowed her eyes.

Sir Pentious paled and scrambled to apologise. "I'm sorry. It just slipped out. I can do anything you want me to." He started sweating.

"Jump off the building then." Lilith smiled cruelly. Charlie immediately spoke up to protest. "Mom! He can be helpful?"

"You think so? What do you think this good for nothing can accomplish?" Lilith huffed softly.

"I can build! You need help renovating the hotel right?" Sir Pentious hurried to offer his assistance. He needed to get back in Lilith's good graces so she would possibly, maybe consider going out with him.

"... fine. But he stays on a leash." Lilith huffed. Charlie smiled happily. "Great, Vaggie reported a lot of damages through the hotel. "

"Think you can handle that, Pet~" Lilith fluttered her eyelashes at him seductively. She had noticed the way the snake demon was looking at her. Lilith decided to use his pathetic crush against him.

Sir Pentious puffed his chest out. "Yes of course my queen. I'm.. not a plumber though.." he deflated slightly.

Lilith gave him a devastated look. "But I'm sure if I have you to cheer me on, I can do anything I set my mind to!" Sir Pentious declared. Lilith smirked victoriously.

Charlie looked between the two of them. "Ugh. Gross. Flirt when I'm not around please."

After establishing how much Pentious was exactly willing to do for her, Lilith decided to make it a little more... exciting.

"You know snakes..~" she purred. Her long fingers trailing over his jawline. "Won't you fix the boiler room for me?" She gave him a thick pout. Sir Pentious stared at her like a love sick puppy. "I'm not that kind of mechanic.." he mumbled.

"Oh but Pentious~" she moaned his name. "It's so cold in here. At this rate I'll never take my clothes off.~" she smirked.

Poor oblivious Pentious didn't get the hint. "I suppose it is quite chilly." He tapped his chin.

Lilith stared at him with unimpressed half lidded eyes. He almost reminded her of Lucifer. That man had been so oblivious he only got the hint when they were already making love. She smiled fondly at the memory.

"How about this. You'll fix the boiler room. And I'll have dinner with you." She grinned when that got the snake demons attention.

"I'm not that kind of mechanic. But I'm willing to make an effort! There's nothing the great Pentiouss can do." He slithered down to the boiler room.

Lilith watched him go with a smirk. "Time to order pizza." She grinned. She never stated what kind of dinner. Nor did she say they would be alone.

Lilith walked into the kitchen where Charlie was hiding out away from Alastor. His incessant bartering for a deal was starting to get annoying. Charlie put up a cheerful smile at the sight of her mother. Lilith didn't need to know about her problems.

"Hi mom how's it going?"

"Pretty good. All things considered." Lilith had a satisfied smile on her face. "I just told the snake to 'go fix the boiler room.' I promised him dinner in return." She grinned.

"...already moving on from Papa? Are you mom?" Charlie raised an eyebrow.

Lilith went silent. "No I.. the snake is a pushover. It will never last. He's just a distraction." She waved away Charlie's concern.

Her daughter frowned at that. "Mom! You're using him that's not very nice." She crossed her arms.

"It's that or making deals with your resident radio host. Pick your battles dear." Lilith shrugged.

Charlie had to give it to her mother. She did have a point. "What was wrong with the boiler room anyways?"

Pentious hissed softly as he slithered through a puddle of water to get to the boiler. No wonder it wasn't getting any warmer in the hotel. There was a tear in the hull. Water was leaking everywhere.

"The things I do for that woman." Pentious hissed softly. "At least we're having dinner... about time she rewarded me." He huffed. She had been pushing him around all day. "How hard is it to just have a nice conversation with me?" The snake demon pulled on his collar. "Without all this BDSM shit." He grumbled softly. He sighed and checked out the boiler.

"Alright. I've fixed worse than this." Pentious smiled slightly and quickly got to work. Once he finished he also cleaned up the spilled water and put the temperature higher again. Finally the hotel started to warm up.

Sir Pentious got to the kitchen. "I fixed it. " he stated proudly. Puffing out his chest. His hood flared happily. It had been down since the moment he got here.

Lilith smiled slightly. It was kind of cute to see the snake like that.

"What's this?" Pentious poked the pizza. "It's cheese, tomato, ham and pineapple on flatbread. They call it pizza." Lilith purred.

"What? Why add... fruit in cheese and meats? That's so weird." He frowned at it.

Lilith giggled and seductively took a slice. She put it at Sir Pentious' lips. He hesitantly took a bite. "It makes it sweet" Lilith winked at him. Pen blinked and took the slice from her. "Like you~" he flirted. Lilith chuckled and walked to the fridge, purposely swaying her hips. While making sure Pentious was watching. "Would you like something to drink?~" Lilith purred as she bend over. Sir Pentious felt like his head was about to explode.

Charlie narrowed her eyes at the snake demon. "Don't get any ideas snake." She whispered angrily. Sir Pen was hindering the probability of her parents getting back together.

"Please she wants..." Sir Pentious was cut off by the Radio demon himself walking into the kitchen. "Who are you again? You seem familiar." Alastor cocked his head with a curious smile on his face.

"You destroyed my blimp only a few days ago!" Sir Pentious yelled angrily.

"Ah yes. You. I'm surprised you're still standing. I thought I taught you not to cross me?" Alastor grinned down at him.

"Y- yeah? Well I've survived worse humiliations than that one. Twas but a scratch." Sir Pentious boasted.

"Would you like to join in on the pizza Alastor?" Charlie tried to distract the overlord and the king pin from their pissing contest.

Alastor examined the pizza. "It's not Jambalaya but it'll do. I do like pineapple." He took a seat.

"So Charlie. About that deal for the roof.~" Alastor twirled his cane and offered her his hand.

Charlie shook her head. "No! I already told you. No deals. You said you would work here for your own entertainment however long you wanted. That was our deal. "

"Yes. But some things require just a teensy bit too much magic." Alastor chuckled. "Won't you give me a boost? Lilith how about you my dear? Wanna make a deal~" he grinned.

"Get real buster. If you think I'm going to make a deal with you then you're more delusional than that idiot Sir Pentious over there." Lilith pointed at the snake.

"She knows my name!" Sir Pentious swooned.

"She also called you an idiot." Charlie pointed out.

"An idiot who's name she knows!" The snake declared proudly.

Charlie facepalmed.

Lilith grinned as an idea popped into her mind. She sauntered over to Pentious. With the most seductive voice she could muster she said, "Oh Pen? You said you survived worse humiliations? How about this one." She sat on his lap. Facing him and straddling his legs. She pecked him on the nose. Alastor looked confused while Charlie facepalmed at the sight.

"... dammit mother. Stop it!" Charlie sighed.

Pentious let out a high pitched shriek and fainted.

"Don't worry everyone!" Lilith chuckled. "I'll take good care of him." She dragged Pentious away by the tail.

Pentious woke up only a few minutes later. "Wh... aat?" He blinked at the sight of candles and rose petals all around the room. The snake realised he was on a bed and started to get slightly nervous. He also felt quite excited. Maybe Lilith wanted to... do that stuff they did in movies. Sir Pentious wasn't entirely sure what that meant but it was exciting.

The sight of Lilith wearing a dominatrix outfit and carrying a whip... immediately killed his excitement. Definitely not into this Sir Pentious tried to move off the bed. Only to find himself chained down.

"Uuhhhh is this necessary your highness?" The snake peeped in distress.

"Oh come now. Tell me you don't want a piece of this.~" Lilith climbed on top of him with a seductive purr.

"No I'm not into being tied up." The snake demon laughed nervously. "Also I prefer to take things slow... how about a.. candle lit dinner? Just the two of us. You know a date?" Sir Pentious swallowed.

Lilith snarled softly that wasn't what she wanted to hear. "Sssh. Just relax." She shushed him with a finger to the lips. "Now behave. And do what I tell you.~ Pet.~" She twisted her whip with a smirk.

Sir Pentious paled. "Shouldn't you be doing this with Lucifer? Your husband?" He panicked.

"He left me, remember!" She hit the bed with her whip. "Now. What's your safe word? Mine is.. I'm gonna rip your dick off!" She laughed.

Yup very much not into this Pentious paled even further. "I got one called. SOMEBODY HELP ME!" He shouted.

Lilith cracked her whip, she accidentally broke his restraints allowing Pentious to flee. He shot to the door like a rocket he practically threw himself down the stairs trying to escape that crazy woman.

As he ran, Sir Pentious thought to all the little things he had done for that crazy bitch of a woman. She had used him as a doormat when it had rained all day. The mud had been a bitch to clean from his scales.

She then had made him fix the leaking roof in the middle of the storm with the promise of a kiss he never truly got.

Sir Pentious had fixed the windows, the boiler, unclogged the sink, he had been willing to kill for Lilith. Now he was throwing himself off of the stairs trying to escape the leather bound casserole.

"Oh Penny~ tsk tsk tsk tsk. Come to mama~" lilith sung.

Pentious squeaked. "Get away from me you freak! I just wanted to go on some fun dates!" He screamed when the whip hit a bit closer than he wanted it to. He looked down and immediately threw himself down the middle of the stairs where it was just an easy fall down. "And I thought Angel was disgusting!" He smacked into the floor and burst through the door into the hall and rolled into the kitchen.

Meanwhile Vaggie and Charlie were eating the leftover pizzas in silence. Eventually Vaggie broke the silence by asking, "Do you think she's going to marry him?"

Charlie spat our her drink. "Huh?! What no. Nah. No way. She doesn't even like him..." after a moment she frowned. "I am not calling him dad."

"I mean of course he likes her. She's a very pretty woman. However he doesn't know a thing about her. Mom will send him running. Even if my dad doesn't get jelous." Charlie said confidently.

"Don't worry. Your mother just has to figure everything out. It's gonna be ok." Vaggie placed a comforting hand on Charlie's arm.

Charlie smiled at her and sighed softly. "I hope so. She has been acting more violent and sadistic than usual."

Sir Pentious decided that was a great moment to tumble into the kitchen. "She's going to violate me!" He yelled and desperately dove underneath the counter.

Vaggie blinked. "Dude.. why are you naked?" She grimaced. Vaggie hadn't ever needed to see that.

Charlie smirked. "Mom send him running." She nodded happily. Now her parents could get back together... she hoped.

"Oh snake~ where did you go?" Lilith stretched her whip. Making the leather creak dangerously.

Charlie covered her face. "MOM! I don't need to see you like this! Not to mention now is hardly the time to play this game. You need to relax. He is clearly not interested!"

"How would you know that?" Lilith huffed softly.

"Because he's hiding underneath the table right now." Charlie crossed her arms.

Sir Pentious facepalmed as Lilith immediately lifted the table. "There you ar... huh?" she blinked in confusion as she looked at the empty floor. She turned her head to see Sir Pentious desperately sticking to the underside of the table.

Sir Pentious squeaked in fear and ran to the door. He left the hotel screaming.

Lilith wanted to go after him. Charlie stopped her quickly. "No mom. You chased a willing handyman away with your creepy... whatever this is." She gestured at Lilith. "I realise you're doing this as some sort of twisted coping mechanism to deal with your feelings. But it is not going to change anything. Now go change and sleep. Tomorrow will be better." She gently shoved her mother in the direction of the stairs.

Lilith calmed down and nodded solemnly. She trudged back up the stairs trying her best to seem like the queen she was.

"I can make you a deal so your pet can be all yours.~" Alastor grinned at her.

Lilith hissed angrily and slapped his hands away. "You are the reason my husband left me! Why would I want anything from YOU?!" She screamed and stormed off.

Alastor blinked in confusion. "What?" The radio demon shrugged and went on his way.

Lucifer was bend over his desk finally the letter was perfect. "Dear Alastor the radio demon. I hate to break it to you but I don't appreciate you trying to make deals with my daughter. I will ask you politely to refrain from doing so in the future. Greetings Lucifer king of hell. Ps failure to comply will end in the extermination of first those dear to you then yourself. "

Lucifer nodded. "Much better. That other letter sounded like a fucking love confession... speaking of love. Lilith darling? Are you back yet?" He frowned when silence was his answer. "... where has she gone.."

Lucifer wondered silently. He got up to make his servants deliver the mail. However... if he went himself... he had an excuse to visit Charlie. "Luci old bear. You. Are. Brilliant."

Lucifer sauntered out to his limousine and stepped in. The letter clutched between his fingers. He told his driver where to go and calmly watched the scenery pass him by.

Meanwhile at the hotel.

Lilith blew her nose into her pillow as she sobbed hopelessly. "Mom?" Charlie sighed as she entered her room. "This has to stop. First you came here acting like dad died. Then you seduced the potential handyman and scared him away as you tried to... roughly seduce him."

"I'm sorry! I don't deal well with emotions." Lilith sobbed she tried to brush her tears away. They both stopped to listen as downstairs the doorbell sounded followed by muffled voices.

Both Lilith and Charlie froze when they realized who's voice they were hearing. "I uh. I'll go check what he wants.." Charlie mumbled.

"He's probably here to fuck that Radio demon." Lilith growled.

Charlie blinked. "Mom... Alastor is Asexual?"

Lilith frowned. "Oh... so.. My Luci... is probably not fucking him?"

"No.. no they're definitely not fucking mom." Charlie facepalmed and walked down the stairs. She landed in the middle of an... argument?

"So I can't do anymore deals with your daughter?" Alastor looked unhappy about that despite his smile.

"Yes. No more deals. You either do as she asks or you leave her be. Got it?" Lucifer narrowed his eyes at the red head.

The tension felt thick in the room until. "Fair enough." Alastor shrugged and walked away. The patter of his shoes on the floorboards made all the tension dissipate at once.

Charlie released a breath she didn't know she was holding. "Ah... thanks.. dad. You didn't have to do that you know. I can handle myself." She claimed.

Lucifer smirked at her. "Oh of course. I trust you as far as I can throw you. Wich is pretty far." He hummed.

"Dad." Charlie stared at him with her best unimpressed face.

"I just didn't trust him at all. So I had to make sure there was no funny business. By the way have you seen your mother? The hasn't been home in a while." He said to her.

Lilith peeked around the corner. "You... why do you want me home? Weren't you going to divorce me?" She grumbled unhappily.

"What?! Who told you that?! I'll kill them. You're the love of my life of course I'm not going to divorce you." Lucifer huffed angrily.

Lilith slapped him. "What were those letters then?"

"You mean the practice letters for the one I was writing to the radio schmuck? Did you think I wanted to fuck that asexual asshole? No way." Lucifer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"And to think I almost cheated on you." Lilith smiled and hooked her arm through his.

"What was that?"

"Nothing~"

FIN~

\-- or is it --

Sir Pentious shifted the stick of his blimp as he quickly approached the hotel. "Hahahaha! You have messed with SIR Pentious one too many times you shall all pay!"

Down on the ground Lucifer looked up disinterested. He exploded the entire blimp with a snap of his fingers. "Don't. Seduce my wife." He growled softly before turning his attention back to his lovely queen.

Sir Pentious crawled slowly out of the rubble. "... ow." He collapsed.

The end.


End file.
